Gong Yoo Fever

i am going through a funny phase. i have not felt this since highschool (which is a long time ago) wherein i had a huge crush on yves dignadice, pba player of san miguel. what crazy things i did then -- composing poems for him, writing to radio stations and confessing my undying love for him, writing him letters, exchanging letters with his fans, posting his pictures in my room, etc. etc. i thought i have graduated from that.

then i met arthur. . . .

arthur is gong yoo in the tagalized korean tv soap 'coffee prince'. i watched the first episode and i thought it was funny, something to help me de-stress after a long day of working and studying. before i knew it, i was hooked!

coffee prince was aired in the kapuso station for less than three months and for that whole time, i made sure not to miss any episode. as if that is not enough, i also watched the korean version with its english subtitle (and two more gong yoo soaps). it could have been more as i listed all of gong yoo's tv series and planned to watch them all. too bad, i couldn't find them here.

meeting 'arthur' has caused many changes in my life. my hobby now includes watching his videos and scouring the internet for pictures and stories about him. i became interested in korea and felt an affinity to everything korean. my goal is to visit korea someday. hay, i think i'm going crazy.

anyway, i wonder how long this phase would be.

for the meantime, let's enjoy gong yoo together.

What's the mood?

I was sorting my stuff last night and I came across this old notebook. In the notebook are some half-finished pieces ( I couldn't even call them literary art).

I guess it's so easy to guess what I was feeling then. *._.*
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

(dated 11 March 2007)
How is it that the more I know about you
the more I realize my unworthiness,
The more I learn about your works
the more I am made aware of my sinfulness?
I am reduced to nothingness,
stripped of my so-called achievements
I don't deserve any praise
whatever I have is by your grace.

(dated 17 March 2007)
i know something died in me
i just don't know what could it be
can you please be with me
help me have a deeper look inside of me.

i used to be vibrant, so full of life
everything around me was so gay and light
the day i lost you, nothing seemed right
all my days turned into nights.

i couldn't blame you if you found someone new
i drove you away, i made you blue
i hope i can say i still love you
that it kills me to see you go.

(dated 18 March 2007)
tears drenched my pillow
because i miss you
i wanted to say hello
and that i still love you.

sadness fills my heart
because we are apart
can we have a fresh start
a chance to talk, to chat?

loneliness overwhelms me
knowing that you're no longer free
our time has ended i can clearly see
no one should be blamed but me.

oh, i love you so
i will love no one, only you
it kills me to see you go
what should i do, please don't go.

i guess it's time to say goodbye
to let you go and maybe cry
someday all my tears will dry
when i think of you i will just sigh.

i'll be fine i know
and i'm sure you'll be too
so please go there's really nothing to say and do
a happy life, that's my wish for you.

(dated 19 March 2007)
it's been to long feeling this way
i'm confused, i don't know what to say
i loved you, in fact i still do
i don't understand why i let you go.

they say it's the right thing to do
we're not good for each other so better to let go
if it were true, how come i can't forget you
in my heart there is only you.

Beyond What's Trivial

I could think of only two words to describe the time elapsed from my last blog and today -- BUSY, HECTIC.

Yes, life had been busy and hectic for me the past many weeks. Deadlines at work and at school plus family affairs filled my calendar. I realized that during those times, I made my most important relationship -- my relationship with God, take the backseat. God is God anyway. If I don't pray enough or if I don't spend quiet times with Him enough or if I don't read the bible enough, He would understand. He always understands.

But why do I feel bad? I feel that something in me has weakened. There is a part inside that dried up. I feel a certain longing that no amount of busyness or even happiness can fill. I feel a relationship estranged. I feel a fellowship broken. I feel a connection cut off. I feel a certain thirst and hunger that no food nor drink can satiate. I feel lost and deprived. I feel that I am missing a big deal.

I realized that I really AM MISSING A BIG DEAL out of life. I spent too many times running after the "good" things that this world can offer at the expense of what is essential. No wonder I feel lacking.

I realized that the more I pursue worldly things, the more I am left feeling in need of more. There seems to be no contentment. There is unending focus on the self and what the self can get more out of this world. There's that drive to get just a little bit more, and then a little bit more. . . That kind of life is tiring.

Last night I attended the bible study fellowship. Classes started last Tuesday but I was absent last week. Topic for this period is the book of Matthew. Assignment for last night was an overview of the whole book and the reference -- the whole of Matthew, all 28 chapters!!! It was overwhelming for me, especially after those many weeks of "rest" but I'm glad and excited to be back. I can now change my focus -- from myself and from trivial to something which is eternal. Hopefully, this would put a sense of order into the disarray which has become my life.

I'm still busy; my schedule is still hectic but this time, I'm keeping my time more worthwhile. my busyness goes beyond what's trivial. *._.*

Strengthening the Inner Man

Part of my major to dos of 2008 is making my physical body fit by trying (operative word -- trying) to have a healthy diet, enough rest and exercise. So as to follow through on this, I've been trying to fit in gym skeds into my already full schedule and experimenting on healthy diets. It stretches me a little but I know that a healthy body is important.

When I heard the church message last Sunday, I was rebuked. Here I am, trying things to have a healthy body but forgotten the state of the inner man -- the most important above all, the condition of my soul. I wonder, am i nurturing my soul with "healthy food" and "exercise"?

Admittedly, I couldn't say that "as the deer pants for the water so my soul longs after thee." I want to have that desire to grow not just in the knowledge but in the love of God. This song contains my very prayer:

Deeper In Love

There is a longing only You can fill
A raging temptest only You can still
My soul is thirsty Lord
To know You as I'm known
Drink from the river
That flows before your throne

Take me deeper
Deeper in love with You
Jesus hold me close in Your embrace
Take me deeper
Deeper than I've ever been before
I just want to love You more and more

How I long to be deeper in love
Sunrise to sunrise
I will seek Your face
Drawn by the Spirit
To the promise of Your grace
My heart has found in You
A hope that will abide
Here in Your presence
Forever satisfied

2008 Major To-Dos

At the start of a new year, it is a common practice for people to make a list of the things or habits they want to change or implement throughout the year. Some call it new year's resolution; I call it major to-dos. I don't know if the way it is called makes any difference to others but it sure does to me.

I've been used to making resolutions for many years and seeing those resolutions forgotten at the onset of the first quarter. I realized that maybe the reason I couldn't follow through those resolutions is because I put more effort in the writing than in the thinking of what really needs to be written. I make a list -- the longer the better without really committing into it. Besides, the frequency of this being forgotten made me think that resolutions are made to be broken. *._.*

This year, I made a careful assessment of my life and how I want to make some changes. These I put into a list and labeled it My Major To-Dos.

1) Topping my list is the one that concerns my physical health. I have gained too much weight throughout the year and this has caused me difficulty in breathing, lethargy and other associated ailments. This year, I would observe discipline in the food I will eat, in exercising and in taking rest and sleep. This is recognizing that my body is the temple of the Holy Spirit and so I must take good care of it.

2) I will also make my emotional and spiritual health glow. I commit to be consistent in my daily quiet times, devotions and prayer. I would surround myself with good friends who can help me in achieving this particular goal.

3) I would live simply so that I could cut down on my expenses. I will allot a portion of my salary to savings. This year, I would focus on my needs and not on wants. I will make a written budget and follow through it. I will pay off my bills the moment I receive them. As much as possible, I will pay the total amount due in all my credit cards. I will prayerfully consider maintaining just 1 or 2 cards to be used during emergencies.

4) I will be faithful in giving my tithes and offerings. I would be generous in my giving to my missionary friends and church.

5) I will deliberately reach out to people to show them God's love and be a channel of God's blessings.

6) I will endeavor to build up people and not to tear them down.

7) I will direct my complaints to the people concerned, or better yet, to God.

8) I will do something thoughtful for my loved ones at least every month.

I know that these won't be easy to do. There would be times that I would love to do the opposite of the things I've written, that I would fail. It's okay. I would just continue to keep in mind that the things I've listed are my to-dos; that if they do not get done today, then I still have the remaining days of the year to accomplish them. That is the antidote of quitting.

New Year's Blues

Which is harder to do, share in someone's joy or share in his/her sorrow?

Before Christmas, I heard that my discipler's brother died in his sleep. This same discipler's father passed away a month earlier. I didn't have a hard time sharing in her sorrow. I, together with the other D-12 ladies went to Baguio to attend the wake and the interment, and to help comfort the family in their time of grief. Sharing in the family's bereavement somehow came naturally.

A few minutes before the new year's day, my bestfriend (who is the sister of my ex) called. In the middle of our conversation, she mentioned that my ex's wife is already pregnant. It was a good news; everybody in their family has been waiting for the coming of a baby. However, I couldn't share in their joy. I felt a pinch somewhere inside my heart.

I couldn't understand my feelings. I thought I was okay-okay. My reaction to that news made me wonder if I was ever okay or I was just successful in hiding the pain for that long a time. Am I back to round 1 again? Will I traverse that long road of trying to let go and get over all over again? Haven't I accomplished anything?

(Sigh) . . . and so I had my new year's blues . . . .

Christmas Message

CHRISTMAS!!!

What comes to mind when we hear that word? Frenzied shopping and creatively wrapped gifts of different shapes and sizes? Can you smell and taste that holiday food - delicious ham, baked chicken, keso de bola, fruit cake, maybe some wine? Fun-filled parties and family reunions? Trying on a special outfit while the kids enjoy the latest toys? Holding on just a bit longer to those newly-minted crisp peso bills from the year-end bonus? Those precious days of vacation and a long-awaited break from the usual routines? Santa Claus and Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer?

As a child, I looked forward to Christmas as that special time of the year for new clothes, toys, lots of food and gifts. It was also a time for family get- togethers. Even relatives from far away places spend hard-earned foreign and local currency to come home and celebrate Christmas with the rest of us. It seemed to me that the usually colder weather, all that gift-giving and eating and partying made people more friendly and happy than they usually are. I started to believe that at least once a year, at Christmas, we have the chance to forget problems and set aside grudges and let love, peace and goodwill to all men reign. Christmas became special because of all the prosperity, fun, and good cheer it connotes. So I had always been excited about Christmas.

But was this really all that Christmas is supposed to be?

There's a story told of a woman who prepared a splendid and very grand celebration for her son's first birthday. She made sure everything was there—the food, the decors and party favors, the band and musicians. The balloons were there, and there was even a magician. Indeed, it was a happy party and everyone was having a great time. Finally, someone remembered to ask where the celebrant was. They looked all over the house and their search led them to the child's bedroom where they were horrified to find the baby in his crib, all-dressed up for the party but forgotten and now suffocated to death by the coats and jackets of the guests that had been piled unknowingly on top of him.

This story strikes painfully at my heart because I realize that I'm like that mother and the other party guests - so preoccupied preparing for and partying at Christmastime but forgetting all about the celebrant. I would clean up and brighten the house with decors, put up the Christmas tree and spend much time dressing it up with tinkles, balls and bells, set aside money and weekends shopping for and preparing gifts for everybody, plan and prepare delicious foods for the traditional noche buena, delight in the Christmas carols dominating the airwaves, and invite guests over to share in the festivities.

But where was the celebrant? Lying there lifeless in his wooden manger, on display somewhere in our home but, in truth, forgotten and uninvolved in all the celebration. If I were to be honest, He wasn't really the reason for all the fuss. All the hustle and bustle of Christmas has become really just another excuse to satisfy our own pleasures, rather than celebrate with joy the Christ for whom this season is named.

We forget that this man, Jesus, born more than 2000 years ago, is not just any ordinary birthday celebrant. Jesus is the Son of God. At Christmas, we give the best gifts to those we love the most. God so loved the world (that's you and me and every other person on this earth) that He gave His best, His one and only begotten Son, Jesus, so that whoever believes in Him will not perish but have eternal life. The gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus. This gift had an enormous price tag no person on this earth could ever pay - Jesus paid for it with His own life.

Listen with your heart to the lyrics of this familiar song:

As little children, we would dream of Christmas morn
And all the gifts and toys we knew we'd find
But we never realized a baby born one blessed night
Gave us the greatest gift of our lives.

We are the reason that He gave His life
We are the reason that He suffered and died
In a world that was lost He gave all He could give
To show us the reason to live..."

Jesus Christ is what Christmas is all about. When He was born over 2000 years ago, He shared in our humanity so that by His death He might free everyone from the fear of death and by His resurrection, those who believe in Him may also have new life. And that is definitely reason for celebration and rejoicing!

Christmas is certainly a season for gift-giving. Traditionally, we give gifts to those we love. Yet we love because He first loved us. We ought to be giving gifts generously because we first have received the greatest gift of all. All the expensive and fancy gifts we can think of in this world give us pleasure, but only for a moment. Want to know the best gift to give to all your loved ones? God's gift to you of eternal life in Jesus is a gift that doesn't need batteries, never fades or shrinks, never conks out, never goes out of fashion, never falls apart, and never diminishes in value. It's the one thing you can take with you everywhere, even to eternity. Afraid you don't have enough to get gifts for everyone? God's gift of eternal life can be shared and passed on to all. Whether you already have plenty or are still in want, God's gift is still the most precious you will ever receive. If we share this gift with more and more people, then surely this world will again remember the reason to celebrate Christmas.

So, I ask you again - what comes to your mind when you hear the word Christmas? CHRIST JESUS should be the only answer.

Take His gift given to you in love and by grace, enjoy it and share it with the world that desperately needs to know what Christmas is really all about. A blessed Christmas to you all!!!