If Only

I don't know what it is with me today. I feel so melancholic. It seems that with a little prodding or provocation, my tears would fall. Is this just PMS? Am I going crazy or something? Maybe something . . . .

This afternoon I spoke with Nanay. We were talking about her mother (my lola, deceased for more than 5 years) then suddenly I started choking up and started my "if only" lines --

-- if only she had died much later, when I was already in my present job, then I could have given her much more

-- if only our relatives cared for her better, maybe she'd still be alive today

-- if only, if only, if only - unending if onlys.

I thought I've settled this before but now I'm stuck again with this dead end. I couldn't shed off the sadness that goes with the if only. Maybe I've not dealt with this fully that's why every now and then, this if only issue comes and pops its ugly head on me. Maybe I need to settle this once and for all.

I don't like, ever, to say those two words again. It's miserable to be living in regrets. Sabi nga ng isa kong friend shit happens - sometimes my fault; sometimes the others'; sometimes it's nobody's fault. The fact is -- shit happens talaga. So what do I do in situations like that - sulk and blame myself? Sulk and blame others? Sulk, blame myself, blame others and wish things didn't happen the way they did? None of these can help me move on.

Things happen for a purpose. I may not be able to get all the answers that I want in this lifetime, the fact still remains that there is someone who controls everything and that someone is on my side so why do I need to sulk?

I realized, if onlys are the work of the devil because he is a divider and an accuser. He wants people to live miserably.

Next time, when you get tempted to wallow in your own version of if onlys, bear in mind that it's the devil working. Don't give him any attention. That's the best way to thwart his plan. He will never succeed.