I Refuse to Ask God "Why" . . . .

For the past weeks, hurtful things have been happening to our family. One hurtful thing was the way my father lost the elections and how he was betrayed by his so-called friends. It was heart-breaking to see him alone; left by the friends he trusted. We tell him to move on and forget about his friends because they are not worth his sadness but of course, the pain doesn't easily just go away. By the grace of God, he is now slowly feeling better.

I found out that though this issue about my father hurts, his losing the elections is nothing compared to my uncle Manny having stage 4 lung cancer. What is more devastating is the fact that he was just recently diagnosed (28 October 2007, to be exact) of it and now the cancer has spread throughout his body.

My father's issue, though it hurts, will pass and soon he will smile again, but my uncle might not stay here long enough to smile on us.

I had an indirect bout with cancer when the lady I disciple in church had breast cancer. It was hurtful when we first heard about it and when we saw her difficulties during her chemo sessions. Thank God, she has been cancer-free for more than a year now. I thought that was the closest and last encounter I'd have with cancer but I was mistaken. When I heard the news about my uncle, I felt like the world stopped. There's just heaviness and emptiness inside.

This afternoon, I took a half-day leave from work to accompany my aunt (wife of Uncle Manny) to the doctor. She wanted to see Uncle Manny's doctor because she wanted to get honest answers -- is there a chance of survival? how long does he have? what can we do? what options do we have? will he have so much pain? how much time does he have? how much does it cost? etc. etc.

She has been staying in Canada for the past three years and so she hasn't seen Uncle Manny for so long. She just flew home when she heard about Uncle Manny's condition. Until now, they haven't seen each other because Uncle Manny went to Hong Kong to get the rest of his stuff. He was hoping to return there while waiting for his immigration papers in Canada. They were supposed to leave for Canada next year.

Anyway, our appointment was at 2:30pm. We were told that we are 6th in the appointment list. When we arrived around 1:30pm. I told the doctor's assistant that we were already there; that if the people listed in numbers 1-5 are not yet there, if she could please call us. After a few minutes, she ushered us into the doctor's office.

The doctor seems kind. I can see the compassion in the way he speaks. He is gentle. He patiently explained to us the extent of Uncle Manny's condition. Though he is very nice, he is also very honest and he doesn't have any good news to tell. We were told that the cancer has spread throughout Uncle Manny's body and that there is no more cure. He has approximately 6 months to live if he doesn't take any treatment. If he would have chemotheraphy and if his body responds to it properly, this would only help him feel comfortable, to ease his coughing, to allow him to have better sleep and appetite. Unfortunately, the chemo won't be able to fight the cancer anymore. If his body responded to treatment, his life might be prolonged for around 3 months, if he is lucky, around 4 months.

I couldn't breathe when I heard that. I struggled not to cry. I thought I have to appear strong for my aunt's sake. Her face was full of pain. Of course, what worse news is there than knowing that your husband is dying? She didn't cry though. Maybe, she was just too numb to cry. If only I could take some of the pain so she'll feel better.

Uncle Manny will arrive on Saturday. They will talk then whether to pursue with the chemotherapy or not.

My heart feels so heavy but I'm sure the pain I feel is nothing compared to the pain my aunt and the rest of their family feel. I wonder what I can do to help.

Despite these things that have been happening, I fully trust God's goodness and I refuse to ask Him why these unpleasant things have been happening. I've experienced God's goodness and faithfulness for the past years. I know that He is in control of everything. Though some things might be hard to understand now, I'm sure that in His time, all will be brought to light. Someday, we will see things as they are. In the meantime, in spite of the pain, I need to sit still, knowing that God has my best interests at heart.

Amidst cancer, I thank God for the remaining time that my uncle still has. He has six months to enjoy and we have these six months to show him how important he is and how much we care for him. While others just go without warning, we have enough time to prepare.

I also thank God for the doctor and for his assistant. Their compassion and gentleness are really comforting.

I thank God for my Uncle's and Auntie's friends. They are unselfishly giving for Uncle Manny's treatment. They even organized a fund-raising event for him and the money are just pouring in.

Blessings are abounding. I can only ask that God use me as an instrument to show to my Uncle and Auntie and the rest of the family His real "face" -- loving, kind, gentle, faithful . . . .